July 21,2009... The last

Hi,
This will be my last post here. Mom passed away July 13, 2009. I had spent at least 12 hrs a day with her from July 6th until the moment she passed at 2:41pm on the 13th. My wife had been with us several hours each evening. It was peaceful. My sister and I were with her when she went. My other sister and brother had been on the way. Everyone had been with her in the last couple weeks. My brother had been with her from saturday night until about 11am on Monday, when my other sister decided she wanted to be there, and he went to get her. Mom passed while they were en route.

It was a struggle for me to decide to let her go, and on Friday the 10th I had serious doubts about the decision. I spoke with the hospice nurse, and she re-conferred with the Drs. She called me later, and said that she also had some doubt, but after talking to the drs they reconfirm to me what the Drs had said early in the week. At the encouraging of my wife I spoke with a preeminent geriatric psychologist on Saturday morning. He helped me to accept the things that I had decided to do.

In the last day, I told mom how much I loved her, and that it was ok to go and that she would be better and with God. She was holding on for something, and that's where God stepped in. It was a God thing that I decided to run out to pick up something at the drug store, and the hopsice pastor was sitting in his car next to my car. He saw me and asked after mom, as he had been on vacation and was not aware of her condition. When I told him of her status, he asked if he could pray for us and her. When he prayed, I could hear mom's breathing change. It was about an hour after that, while my sister and I were playing Christmas music that mom liked when she was living with me at the beginning of last year, that her breathing simply slowed, she relaxed, and she passed. I wept. I thanked God for salvation, for mom's salvation, for my salvation, and for taking her to be with Him. I can't wait to be there too.

I have had company since she passed, and it is just beginning to settle into me soul that she is gone. I still have work to do with her stuff and her estate. That will take time.

When I started this blog originally, I was tracking my progress one day at a time through the loss of my marriage, son, and life savings. At one point after dad died I deleted the posts, and then started again after mom was moved to the care facility she lived in.

When I was reading to Mom in her last days, I found the bible in her room that she had given to dad. It had Romans 8:28 written in the cover with the date that Mom gave it to Dad. That verse says: "All things work together to the good of those that love God, and are called according to His purpose." Many times we take the first part of that verse to make us feel better about what we might be going through. But to me the key to that verse is the second part. It is only when we are called to God's purpose and willing to be His servants that things will be for the good. I was lucky, to have been able to be in a place to care for mom in the last year or so of her life. Dad was spared after he had cared for her so long. I have been blessed with loved ones that are there for me, to help with the things that I have been through. I don't know if there is something else that God has for me to do, but I'm willing to be called according to His purposes, and I know that if I am called things will work and be good. Love God, Love others. I'm not perfect at this but I am trying to get better each day.

If you read this and don't know God, I hope you find that relationship. Read the bible chronologically. Read the stories, and get to know God and Jesus. The words in that book are living and will change your life if you spend enough time to simply read it through. Pick a translation that is easy to read, so that the wording does not get in the way of the stories. And don't try to interpret it, just read it. If you are open to the relationship that God really wants with you, the things that you need to get from it will come to you.

Good bye...
-me

July 8, 2009

It's been a few days since I wrote. The last few times I have been to see mom she had been a sleep. Then on Monday I got a call that she had a fever, and her condition was unknown.... She has an infection her her blood. The prognosis is not very good. The Drs say we are talking days left.

Sad, but it's better than the alternative of loosing her to the last stage of the dementia slowly.

I don't know if I'm prepared. I don't know what will be next... in a way I envy her being done...

--me

June 25, 2009

Hi,
I am not able to get to see mom today. I'm very tired.

--me

June 24, 2009

Hi,

Today when I got there to see mom, she was out in the living room listening to a guy who was playing his guitar. He played well and the music was soothing. Mom was dozing. She seems to do that more and more, particualrily after lunch. The staff didn't say what kind of morning she had, but the time I was with her she did not cry much today. After the guitar guy stopped playing, I took mom for a stroll.

Because she was so drowsy I asked if she had recieved adivan today... From what I could get from the med tech, it does not seem like she got one of them today (yet).

The property has a pond with a large spraying fountain. I like the fountain. So I tend to walk mom over there a lot. She is in a wheelchair now so it's a pleasent walk for us.

[ I fought getting the wheelchair for her. I don't like the idea that she will give up trying to walk. But it seems much easier on her and she is more willing to go out in the chair than when she was shuffling every place.]

Mom dozed on our walk. I'm going to start taking a book to read to her. Someone told me that the sound of a familiar voice will be a comfort as she continues to decline, and I am just not able to talk about things with her right now, so reading will be easier. After about a half hour out on the walk, we headed back to the room. Since she was dozing, I figured it would be better to get her to her room. As we went back in the care givers were preparing to take residents out on a bus ride. At first I didn't think mom would want to go, but when we got back to her room, she woke up and I asked if she wanted to go. The care givers were happy to see her willing to go, so I let her go.

The care givers at Woodland Terrace, are mostly great. They know the residents and really work hard at connecting and befriending them. That is great, and great comfort to family members like me. It would be so easy to stick mom in her room and ignore her, and they don't. I like that.

Mom ate well at lunch, from what I could see of what she was wearing from lunch. She had jello... it was all over her fingers and face.

Mom was not talkative today at all... not angry, not tears, but no smiles...

I have a clock radio for her room. It will play an Ipod and has dual alarms on it. I'm going to try to get more music into her life. She likes music. I'll set the alarms up to go off a couple of times in the day for her, and load an iPod with hymns for her. I hope she likes it.

--me

June 23rd, 2009

Hi,
I think I'll try to keep track of the things that are happening with mom here. Monday last, she was admitted to the Hospice program. This is because she has entered end-stage dementia. If you know the FAST scale, she has started to show signs of stage 7.

Yesterday, my wife and I took her regular bed out of her room. Hospice had recommended a hospital bed for her. That was nasty, for the rest of the day and night we smelled that bed... what a mess it was.

Today I met the hospice chaplain. He was nice. Mom was pretty out of it. She had a hard morning. Lots of tears and very unconsolabe, so she had recieved an adivan dosage. It helps to reduce the tears, but nocks her out too. Anyway, the chaplain and I talked, and we prayed together for mom.

I try to see mom at lunch time rather than go walking... It's showing on me too.. ;-) Some days she is chatty, others she simply cries. Breaks my heart knowing how smart she used to be, and knowing that she does actually know that she is losing it, even though she fights it some times....

Loss is part of life. I'm tired of loss...

--me

How interested is God in the details...

Hi,

  I have not been here in a while... Somethings are still hard... Still involved in the courts... Somethings are new and good... Met a wonderful woman, who lives in MI (right now....)...  Somethings keep going... I'm still working where I have been.... Somethings are not as good as they were... I'm still at the same church, but not as involved as I have been...

Faith... it keeps me alive... I don't understand why some things are as they are in my life, and I have really wrestled since the end of August 2008... [I am growing to detest my birthday, it has brought very bad things the last two years...] I am not always sure that God considers me one of His children.... and when I mess up and sin, I feel even more like this is the reason that the bad things are so bad... But I am still searching for the place where I feel that I am walking in a way that God wants me to walk...

In that light, I'm here tonight to ask.. How involved do you think God is in the details of our lives? 

  I am reading this book "reaching for the invisible God" by Yancey.  In it he talked about his feeling that God does not care about my decisions as long as they don't go against the things that God plans to do in the world.  

  I spent time talking to a pastor friend of mine about this, and his feelings is that this is true.  He likened it to parenting a child.  We let kids make decisions about things, as long as we feel that the decisions won't hurt them.  And I can see this.... I did it with my son... at a young age, we would let him pick what he wanted to wear, even when it did not look so good.  But... is that what God does?

Here's what I think:

  Today I was power washing for a few hours and I began to think about this. I think God does care.  God is not trying to teach me to be independent and not need Him.  I want to teach my son to make good decisions, and I do that by letting him make some that I wouldn't make, and let him deal with consequences of those decisions.  I watch over him.  As he gets better at making good choices, I give him the freedom to make bigger decisions.  He is now on his own, and I hope he is making good decisions... 

  There is a difference when it comes to me and God... When kids are born, they are totally submissive, they are totally reliant.  As they grow, they get less and less submissive to their parents, and more self reliant.  When I surrender my life to God, I am supposed to get less and less self reliant, and more and more submissive... The more submissive I am the more of the little things that I ask God to direct my life in... 

Ok that's what I think... all this because I am trying to understand the ruling from the court, and make good choices in the new loving relationship that has started...

What do you think?  Does God care about things like who we marry, where we work, what car we drive, what cloths we wear, and more...?

---me

Change...

Hi,
It's been some time since I posted. Change seems to be the only unchanging thing in my life. I met a special someone, and was sentenced to lifetime alimony, all in the span of a week. It's been a little over a year since dad died... Mom is living in a care facility now, as her condition continues to slowly worsen. Relationships change too... some come closer, some have to move further, and still others will have to change form as the new relationships blossom. I have to sell my house, which means moving again...though this change may be slow because of the economy...

I wish I were better about change... I just feels like too much changing these last 4 years...

I know that I am securely in God's care, but even that relationship changes... It seems that God likes change, and that must be why He designed the world this way.

ok... well I better get going, or the next change will be to the unemployment line.... ;-)

-me