The Beginning...

Hi There...
I am at the beginning of the new chapter... I don't know what the future holds, but I know that The One that holds me knows, and that's enough for me. Today I heard a talk about Jonah and the way that he ran from God. He knew he was running. He thought that it was ok to run, so much so that he was asleep in the hold when the storm came up. The thing that struck me today was all the damage that his running did. The others on the ship feared for their lives. They lost their cargo, and you would have to think that meant lots of money. Then they felt condemned for tossing Jonah into the sea... How much damage have I done??? He thought he was able to run from God, but he couldn't God was there where he was. And God provided too... even though he was running. God provided the safety net of the fish.. not a great way to spend three days, but better than losing his life for running. God pursued him. He didn't just give up on Jonah... and he hasn't given up on me.

There are times these last three years that I have run. I have heard what God said to me, and ignored it. I've rationalized it, I've justified my actions in His name even. But ultimately I have not done what I was asked to do. I'm trying now to do the right thing, the thing that God wants. I would like to say that I won't run again. But like Jonah I'm likely to run again. Jonah eventually did what God asked, then ran again by getting mad that God was merciful... and again when God took away the shade that He had provided... Sometimes we can be thick headed. Jonah was one of God's prophets (not just for this case) and even he ran from this one mission that God gave him to do, and drug his heels through the rest of the mission when it was clear he couldn't run. I've been there, and done that. I hope to learn from the actions of my past. I have to think about them, and work through what I should have done in hopes of actually learning the lesson.

OK.. Today is a new day... The beginning of a new chapter. Hopefully this chapter will have more of God's writing in it than mine... I'm going to try...

-me

The end.

The last of the trials was this week. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through... maybe it was just because of all the things that have been piled on for the last three years. But it felt the worst. I don't want to be part of the world right now.. I see people living life and wonder why. What's the point?

I trust that I will make it through this time, but I can't say that I care one way or the other right now.

Maybe happier days will come, but that is not the truth of where I am right now.

Talk to you later empty space... what an appropriate title... thats where I am. trapped in the empty space of a life torn to shreds.

a day to prepare...

Today I had a meeting to prepare for next week's trial. It is going to be a hard few days next week. If you read this pray for me... thanks.

I have to be willing to leave it all in God's hands... It will be tough, but that is what I want.

so so day...

Hi,
It's been a while since I have taken the time to stop in here and chat... so what's been going on with me you ask???

We had an estate sale last weekend... It will help mom financially through the rest of the year. It was sad for me. Things mom and dad spent years collecting, auctioned off... just sad to watch. I tried to be helpful but I kept having to go inside to get away from what was going on.

We had the contract on mom's house fall apart the week before. The buyer was worried about airport expansion taking the house... and guess what... they want to expand and take it... There was no contingency in our contract for that, but I knew they were worried, so I told them they could get out of the contract if they wanted... that's how I would have wanted to be treated... God is still in this thing, and we have a new contract with someone that knows about the airport plans and still wants the house. [personally, I started to think about keeping it and opening a bed and breakfast, but like so many of that type of dream, getting to the reality from here was not possible... not now...]

I had mom here at my house today for a while. My dad's younger brother was here with his wife, and the widow of their older brother (two aunts and an uncle...) were in town for a wedding. We had a really good visit. It's hard to describe how mom is at these kinds of visits. She seemed to enjoy the time though. She thinks she works at the care facility. I think she loved work so much that it comforts her to feel like she has purpose in being there. At the end of the time that we were all visiting, she started saying "I need to get back to work, they won't be happy that I am out goofing off when they are paying me..." The rest of us got a chuckle from that. Some times you just have to laugh, or the pain would overwhelm...

Since my last post we saw the Drs again... They can't tell what type of dementia it is exactly. They don't want to give her Alzheimer medications because it might make things like hallucinations worse. She is healthy, and the body does not need a functioning mind to live, so she may be like this for a long time...

My brother and I took her out on the 4th for a while too. She had a good time with us that day. We went shopping (got her new shoes), out to lunch, out for ice cream, and then back home. She joined in an Independence day celebration as my brother and I left. She was having a great time when we left. I am glad to see her participating... this is what I hoped for her.

The none of my court related things that were supposed to happen in June happened... Next week... they say... we'll see what the week brings. Been disturbed this evening about all this again... the idea that I really can't be getting married again as long as I have to put Fran first financially has been on my mind.

As schizophrenic as this sounds, there have been things on the relationship front that have been going on too. That's what bothers me so about the idea of having to put Fran first... If I enter into something that turns into something, we as a couple will have to deal with the issue. I cannot support someone the way that I did Fran, she would have to have her own career... and that opens another aspect of the damage to me, trusting someone won't take advantage of me again... Some days I'm ok with it just being me. God is part of me, and so I am not alone even though there is no-one living here... I know that you probably can't understand what I feel.

Ok, so I'll bet you would much rather read what fun things might be going on, rather than the things that disturb me when I stop to think too much... A "friend" has set me up on a date... we'll see what happens there... I'll go have coffee, and see if there is anything there. While we are on this topic... I'll tell you everything... There is someone at church I would like to date and see, we had coffee once, but not since. She was sort of seeing someone at the time, and so put the breaks on seeing each other in any situation that could be construed as a "date". I like her for saying she does not play around. It just added to the list f things that I know of her that I like. Just does not seem to be in the plan... Next, I have been writing back and forth with someone in MI for a couple months. She is an IT person... Christian woman (has even been to Mars Hill a time or two), works with computers (though we have a mac/pc issue to work through.) , plays golf, and likes to be outside a lot like me. She and I exchange a note or two a week... We are both tied to where we live, caring for others, so this feels like a good friendship developing...but, God has to make some changes in one life or the other for this to grow to something more than pen pals. Lastly, There is a younger woman that likes me for the help I give her... I get the feeling she is looking for a replacement father... My sister has given her input on these situations... she thinks it's entertaining... my guess is that if you're still reading so do you...

Work is going ok. I went back to full time about the time of my last post. I am still not working without major interruptions like today, and next week... I keep expecting that to catch up with me... So I keep asking God to help me with knowing what I am supposed to be doing... Tonight I worked from the time I got back from taking mom home, until just before starting this. I did something that I thought would take a couple of days, and got it done today. That will be good, and people will be happy tomorrow.. I have been checking on the running programs as I worked on this post... things are still running... that's good...

My car is going to the shop for an update... I will be walking 7 miles home tomorrow... I need the nice long walk, so I don't mind. I need to remember to take my shuffle to have some music on the walk home... Gas is killing me, so I'm thinking seriously about getting a motor cycle for commuting to work. Just need to figure out where the payments will come from. Maybe I'll stop at the motor cycle shop on the walk home... and ride the rest of the way... :-)

While my sister was here (she left last week) she helped me get more settled in the house. I have a living room, rather than a storage for boxes... I have enough room in the garage to walk around my father's classic car. I have clocks and pictures hung on the walls, rather than in bags and boxes... it looks like I live here... I moved the puzzle table upstairs, and I like it there. I sat down yesterday and worked the puzzle for a couple hours... Now... the question is do I keep this place or sell it. It's pretty big for one person. I could be doing good things with the money I would save in a place half this size. Like drive the afore mentioned motor cycle...

I am working on things with God... The sermon on cutting off the arm that offends was powerful on Sunday. I can think of things in my life that are needing this kind of radical action. The pastor talked about the pain involved, but the rewards for honoring God in that also... I am praying about this, and looking for God to help me understand what and how... The illustration used was about this climber that had to cut off his own arm to save his life. He knew a couple hours into the ordeal that it was going to be needed to survive. It was 5 days later that he finally was able to take the actions needed... We often know what we need to do, but try every other thing we can think of to avoid the pain. This guys truth was that if he didn't make this change he died.... for me it could be make the change or die spiritually. again... I often wonder when God's patients runs out with me like it did with Kings and people of Israel... I was praying about this today... What I think I heard back is that God took action when people completely turned their back on him, not just when they messed up. I want to be what God wants of me... I want to make the changes needed... I just have to figure out what and how... You can just as easily kill yourself cutting the arm off too... I'm seeking God on these things...

Rico just came and got me to take him out, so I took a break to walk him. I have been working on his licking me. I don't like it. Finally tonight he came and put his head in my lap to get my attention. No licking... so I had to stop everything and give him the attention he wanted, and asked for so nicely....

Ok... I'm going to end this one for now... I hope to be back sooner...
--bye