How interested is God in the details...

Hi,

  I have not been here in a while... Somethings are still hard... Still involved in the courts... Somethings are new and good... Met a wonderful woman, who lives in MI (right now....)...  Somethings keep going... I'm still working where I have been.... Somethings are not as good as they were... I'm still at the same church, but not as involved as I have been...

Faith... it keeps me alive... I don't understand why some things are as they are in my life, and I have really wrestled since the end of August 2008... [I am growing to detest my birthday, it has brought very bad things the last two years...] I am not always sure that God considers me one of His children.... and when I mess up and sin, I feel even more like this is the reason that the bad things are so bad... But I am still searching for the place where I feel that I am walking in a way that God wants me to walk...

In that light, I'm here tonight to ask.. How involved do you think God is in the details of our lives? 

  I am reading this book "reaching for the invisible God" by Yancey.  In it he talked about his feeling that God does not care about my decisions as long as they don't go against the things that God plans to do in the world.  

  I spent time talking to a pastor friend of mine about this, and his feelings is that this is true.  He likened it to parenting a child.  We let kids make decisions about things, as long as we feel that the decisions won't hurt them.  And I can see this.... I did it with my son... at a young age, we would let him pick what he wanted to wear, even when it did not look so good.  But... is that what God does?

Here's what I think:

  Today I was power washing for a few hours and I began to think about this. I think God does care.  God is not trying to teach me to be independent and not need Him.  I want to teach my son to make good decisions, and I do that by letting him make some that I wouldn't make, and let him deal with consequences of those decisions.  I watch over him.  As he gets better at making good choices, I give him the freedom to make bigger decisions.  He is now on his own, and I hope he is making good decisions... 

  There is a difference when it comes to me and God... When kids are born, they are totally submissive, they are totally reliant.  As they grow, they get less and less submissive to their parents, and more self reliant.  When I surrender my life to God, I am supposed to get less and less self reliant, and more and more submissive... The more submissive I am the more of the little things that I ask God to direct my life in... 

Ok that's what I think... all this because I am trying to understand the ruling from the court, and make good choices in the new loving relationship that has started...

What do you think?  Does God care about things like who we marry, where we work, what car we drive, what cloths we wear, and more...?

---me

Change...

Hi,
It's been some time since I posted. Change seems to be the only unchanging thing in my life. I met a special someone, and was sentenced to lifetime alimony, all in the span of a week. It's been a little over a year since dad died... Mom is living in a care facility now, as her condition continues to slowly worsen. Relationships change too... some come closer, some have to move further, and still others will have to change form as the new relationships blossom. I have to sell my house, which means moving again...though this change may be slow because of the economy...

I wish I were better about change... I just feels like too much changing these last 4 years...

I know that I am securely in God's care, but even that relationship changes... It seems that God likes change, and that must be why He designed the world this way.

ok... well I better get going, or the next change will be to the unemployment line.... ;-)

-me

A story of me...

Since I've given my life to Christ:
My marriage ended, and I have been through court trial after trial that have gone against me, and made no sense.

My son won't speak to me. And I thought we were close. We never had rebellious teenager/parent arguments.

I've broken my collar bone, and been laid up. Needed surgery.

My Father recognized that my mother was getting sick with some form of dementia. Then the week he and I were going to sit and talk to my mother about getting help for her. He died.

My mother has rapidly gotten worse, and after 5 months of living with me. She has had to move to a care facility where she can get the care she needs but does not want and I can be her loving son again.

There have been some more minor things like the engine in my car exploding to cap off one of the worst days of my life... Being sent for six months on assignment away from friends and my church... being given the financial burden of support for someone, that takes away my freedom to choose my own future..

In all this I've cried. I've wondered if God hated me so much for my past, that he was punishing me for everything I had done that was a sin... and I have searched.

I searched the scripture for comfort and found it. I found it in the stories of Joseph, who unfairly was accused of rape and spent years in prison. I found it in Job, who talked with God honestly about how he was feeling. I found conviction in that story too, because I know I have not lived a righteous life, and felt more like what Job's friends were saying applied to my life. I found a ton of comfort in the laments in the Psalms. Where David pours out his heart to the God that he loved. And found in those out pourings a God that loved him back. I found courage to keep moving forward in faith in the stories of Abraham and Sarah. God has given me dreams, ones that seem as ridiculous as a 90 year old having a baby. And I pray that I follow with enough conviction and courage the steps that need to be taken to have them become reality. As I read the new testament, I found the kind of relationship/church/community that I saw when I came to Lifepointe. I hungered for a first century church. No formulas, no religion, no preconceived ideas of how it is supposed to be done other than this. Love God Love Others 7 days a week... not just on Sunday. Lifeponte has been that kind of church. I looked a the life of Christ. I use to hear you have to be like Christ and leave the service feeling worse that I came. I make mistakes all the time. I make them relationally, when I do things that hurt my friends and abuse their trust, and have to ask forgiveness. I do them when I commit sins, and know that I am sinning when I decide to take the action...and I have to go back to God and ask His forgiveness. I cannot live the perfect sinless life of the Son of God, I am not able... But... Here is the way that I can be like Christ... and I work at this every day... Jesus cried in the garden so hard that he sweat drops of blood... I know that this is possible. I have not ever had the drops of blood, but I have cried so hard at times that I can feel the pressure below the surface of my skin... And I realize how hard Jesus was crying that night... But what he said was "not my will but yours" That's where I can be like Christ every day... Not my will God but Yours. That's what I want for my life...

So... when I look at things... I thought God would hate me because of the divorce... it says so in the bible. But God has loved me through that process. He and only He could have seen it coming, and prepared the lifeGroup that I was part of. When the rug supporting my life was pulled from beneath my feet, I landed in the net of loving arms that God had put in place. And though every court decision has come out what the world would see a the worst possible, I have not ever been abandoned, and I have been honest and true to who God made me to be...

My son is doing well, and I am able to love him, even if we still don't speak. I know that some day we will.

I have healed from the broken bones and surgery, and in those times I learned valuable lessons in allowing others to take care of me. That being a burden for a time gives others the chance to feel the blessing of being able to help.

My Father and I had be come close. He watched me go through the trials, and told me "I could not take what you are taking, I look up to you" My dad. My hero, said he looked up to me. We had many talks about faith. And when his church asked him to be a Deacon, he came to ask my advice. He didn't feel worthy of that responsibility,and we talked. The week before his death God brought us together 1300 miles from where either of us lived. He got to spend time with my sister and her kids, and I all at the same time. He had gotten to spend time with all his brothers and sisters that week too. God was there to welcome him home. I can only hope for a passing like his.

My mother and I got to spend some quality time before her condition became much worse. And now I see her multiple times a week, and I am able to help care for her, and show her love.

When I was on assignment for the six months. I was sitting next to James Billups, who was able to disciple me. We discussed the bible and faith openly in a conference room filled with 10 engineers all working on the same, very difficult, project. By the time I left, there were two different bible studies going on, and the manager of the site had even heard the gospel.

My car is still running... though it could use a paint job at this point...

And though there are challenges still out there, and the financial burdens seem to be restricting how I would like to be serving the kingdom of God... It's not about me. I wait upon the Lord, and He will make the path clear. I often hesitate to say "God made..... fill in the blank... happen." Because many times when I think I know what God is making happen, something else happens... But the one thing I can say with confidence is that God has brought me to this place, that he has brought wonderful people here at Lifepointe who love me, and He has brought other loving people into my life to bring me joy. I would not trade one thing I have been through in the last 4 years. God is shaping me... and He's not done yet.

The Beginning...

Hi There...
I am at the beginning of the new chapter... I don't know what the future holds, but I know that The One that holds me knows, and that's enough for me. Today I heard a talk about Jonah and the way that he ran from God. He knew he was running. He thought that it was ok to run, so much so that he was asleep in the hold when the storm came up. The thing that struck me today was all the damage that his running did. The others on the ship feared for their lives. They lost their cargo, and you would have to think that meant lots of money. Then they felt condemned for tossing Jonah into the sea... How much damage have I done??? He thought he was able to run from God, but he couldn't God was there where he was. And God provided too... even though he was running. God provided the safety net of the fish.. not a great way to spend three days, but better than losing his life for running. God pursued him. He didn't just give up on Jonah... and he hasn't given up on me.

There are times these last three years that I have run. I have heard what God said to me, and ignored it. I've rationalized it, I've justified my actions in His name even. But ultimately I have not done what I was asked to do. I'm trying now to do the right thing, the thing that God wants. I would like to say that I won't run again. But like Jonah I'm likely to run again. Jonah eventually did what God asked, then ran again by getting mad that God was merciful... and again when God took away the shade that He had provided... Sometimes we can be thick headed. Jonah was one of God's prophets (not just for this case) and even he ran from this one mission that God gave him to do, and drug his heels through the rest of the mission when it was clear he couldn't run. I've been there, and done that. I hope to learn from the actions of my past. I have to think about them, and work through what I should have done in hopes of actually learning the lesson.

OK.. Today is a new day... The beginning of a new chapter. Hopefully this chapter will have more of God's writing in it than mine... I'm going to try...

-me

The end.

The last of the trials was this week. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through... maybe it was just because of all the things that have been piled on for the last three years. But it felt the worst. I don't want to be part of the world right now.. I see people living life and wonder why. What's the point?

I trust that I will make it through this time, but I can't say that I care one way or the other right now.

Maybe happier days will come, but that is not the truth of where I am right now.

Talk to you later empty space... what an appropriate title... thats where I am. trapped in the empty space of a life torn to shreds.

a day to prepare...

Today I had a meeting to prepare for next week's trial. It is going to be a hard few days next week. If you read this pray for me... thanks.

I have to be willing to leave it all in God's hands... It will be tough, but that is what I want.

so so day...

Hi,
It's been a while since I have taken the time to stop in here and chat... so what's been going on with me you ask???

We had an estate sale last weekend... It will help mom financially through the rest of the year. It was sad for me. Things mom and dad spent years collecting, auctioned off... just sad to watch. I tried to be helpful but I kept having to go inside to get away from what was going on.

We had the contract on mom's house fall apart the week before. The buyer was worried about airport expansion taking the house... and guess what... they want to expand and take it... There was no contingency in our contract for that, but I knew they were worried, so I told them they could get out of the contract if they wanted... that's how I would have wanted to be treated... God is still in this thing, and we have a new contract with someone that knows about the airport plans and still wants the house. [personally, I started to think about keeping it and opening a bed and breakfast, but like so many of that type of dream, getting to the reality from here was not possible... not now...]

I had mom here at my house today for a while. My dad's younger brother was here with his wife, and the widow of their older brother (two aunts and an uncle...) were in town for a wedding. We had a really good visit. It's hard to describe how mom is at these kinds of visits. She seemed to enjoy the time though. She thinks she works at the care facility. I think she loved work so much that it comforts her to feel like she has purpose in being there. At the end of the time that we were all visiting, she started saying "I need to get back to work, they won't be happy that I am out goofing off when they are paying me..." The rest of us got a chuckle from that. Some times you just have to laugh, or the pain would overwhelm...

Since my last post we saw the Drs again... They can't tell what type of dementia it is exactly. They don't want to give her Alzheimer medications because it might make things like hallucinations worse. She is healthy, and the body does not need a functioning mind to live, so she may be like this for a long time...

My brother and I took her out on the 4th for a while too. She had a good time with us that day. We went shopping (got her new shoes), out to lunch, out for ice cream, and then back home. She joined in an Independence day celebration as my brother and I left. She was having a great time when we left. I am glad to see her participating... this is what I hoped for her.

The none of my court related things that were supposed to happen in June happened... Next week... they say... we'll see what the week brings. Been disturbed this evening about all this again... the idea that I really can't be getting married again as long as I have to put Fran first financially has been on my mind.

As schizophrenic as this sounds, there have been things on the relationship front that have been going on too. That's what bothers me so about the idea of having to put Fran first... If I enter into something that turns into something, we as a couple will have to deal with the issue. I cannot support someone the way that I did Fran, she would have to have her own career... and that opens another aspect of the damage to me, trusting someone won't take advantage of me again... Some days I'm ok with it just being me. God is part of me, and so I am not alone even though there is no-one living here... I know that you probably can't understand what I feel.

Ok, so I'll bet you would much rather read what fun things might be going on, rather than the things that disturb me when I stop to think too much... A "friend" has set me up on a date... we'll see what happens there... I'll go have coffee, and see if there is anything there. While we are on this topic... I'll tell you everything... There is someone at church I would like to date and see, we had coffee once, but not since. She was sort of seeing someone at the time, and so put the breaks on seeing each other in any situation that could be construed as a "date". I like her for saying she does not play around. It just added to the list f things that I know of her that I like. Just does not seem to be in the plan... Next, I have been writing back and forth with someone in MI for a couple months. She is an IT person... Christian woman (has even been to Mars Hill a time or two), works with computers (though we have a mac/pc issue to work through.) , plays golf, and likes to be outside a lot like me. She and I exchange a note or two a week... We are both tied to where we live, caring for others, so this feels like a good friendship developing...but, God has to make some changes in one life or the other for this to grow to something more than pen pals. Lastly, There is a younger woman that likes me for the help I give her... I get the feeling she is looking for a replacement father... My sister has given her input on these situations... she thinks it's entertaining... my guess is that if you're still reading so do you...

Work is going ok. I went back to full time about the time of my last post. I am still not working without major interruptions like today, and next week... I keep expecting that to catch up with me... So I keep asking God to help me with knowing what I am supposed to be doing... Tonight I worked from the time I got back from taking mom home, until just before starting this. I did something that I thought would take a couple of days, and got it done today. That will be good, and people will be happy tomorrow.. I have been checking on the running programs as I worked on this post... things are still running... that's good...

My car is going to the shop for an update... I will be walking 7 miles home tomorrow... I need the nice long walk, so I don't mind. I need to remember to take my shuffle to have some music on the walk home... Gas is killing me, so I'm thinking seriously about getting a motor cycle for commuting to work. Just need to figure out where the payments will come from. Maybe I'll stop at the motor cycle shop on the walk home... and ride the rest of the way... :-)

While my sister was here (she left last week) she helped me get more settled in the house. I have a living room, rather than a storage for boxes... I have enough room in the garage to walk around my father's classic car. I have clocks and pictures hung on the walls, rather than in bags and boxes... it looks like I live here... I moved the puzzle table upstairs, and I like it there. I sat down yesterday and worked the puzzle for a couple hours... Now... the question is do I keep this place or sell it. It's pretty big for one person. I could be doing good things with the money I would save in a place half this size. Like drive the afore mentioned motor cycle...

I am working on things with God... The sermon on cutting off the arm that offends was powerful on Sunday. I can think of things in my life that are needing this kind of radical action. The pastor talked about the pain involved, but the rewards for honoring God in that also... I am praying about this, and looking for God to help me understand what and how... The illustration used was about this climber that had to cut off his own arm to save his life. He knew a couple hours into the ordeal that it was going to be needed to survive. It was 5 days later that he finally was able to take the actions needed... We often know what we need to do, but try every other thing we can think of to avoid the pain. This guys truth was that if he didn't make this change he died.... for me it could be make the change or die spiritually. again... I often wonder when God's patients runs out with me like it did with Kings and people of Israel... I was praying about this today... What I think I heard back is that God took action when people completely turned their back on him, not just when they messed up. I want to be what God wants of me... I want to make the changes needed... I just have to figure out what and how... You can just as easily kill yourself cutting the arm off too... I'm seeking God on these things...

Rico just came and got me to take him out, so I took a break to walk him. I have been working on his licking me. I don't like it. Finally tonight he came and put his head in my lap to get my attention. No licking... so I had to stop everything and give him the attention he wanted, and asked for so nicely....

Ok... I'm going to end this one for now... I hope to be back sooner...
--bye

a good day...

I have not been here in a while and I'm sorry...

I have been doing well the last week or so. I am comfortable finally. Some one asked me how I was doing, and I gave the standard "hanging in there" response.. then thought for a couple of seconds, and corrected it with "you know what.. that's not right.. I'm doing good." I have given up trying to control what I can't control... I have realized I control nothing, except whether I am willing to let go of control.

All things are in God's control, and at each moment, each decision, I have a choice to listen to what God is asking me to do, or not listen. The larger the thing the larger the consequences of not listening, but that does not mean that the little things are any more mine to control. My job is to listen and obey. When I do this I am joyful no matter what's going on. Satan the deceiver is always trying to talk me into thinking I have control or trying to convince me that what I have been asked to do is not in my best interest (see Genesis).

My smile is back, and I am doing ok.

--bye

and another...

A decent day... supposed to be court stuff this week... but no idea what or when... I guess that means nothing is going to happen...

Work is going ok... Lots to get done before the end of the month... then it seems the real work will begin.. I am hearing that what I am doing is getting recognized in the company, but that means more users, and more issues... ah well... job security will be important to fulfill the court orders...

Got a new phone today.. 4 years since the last one.. my how the tech has changed... not the iPhone I wanted to get, but good.

Bible study starts again this week... looking forward to it... Hope to get more in the zone on the relationship with God front...

ok.. late and I'm getting sleepy... bed time...
-me

yet another day...

Good day... I made it through customer presentations yesterday... today is more of that... 

I saw mom in the morning and got her dressed.  My sister hung out with her for a while and did the mental aerobics with her.  I saw her on the way home to say good night.  All in all I think she had a decent day.

ok... off to do it all again... just another day...

-me

Another Day...

I decided to start my another day blog again.  I thought that it might be good to try and post a positive thought here every day.

It's a sunny day here, and my sister is back with me for a couple days.

Talk to you tomorrow.

-cjc