It's been a few days since I wrote. The last few times I have been to see mom she had been a sleep. Then on Monday I got a call that she had a fever, and her condition was unknown.... She has an infection her her blood. The prognosis is not very good. The Drs say we are talking days left.
Sad, but it's better than the alternative of loosing her to the last stage of the dementia slowly.
I don't know if I'm prepared. I don't know what will be next... in a way I envy her being done...
--me
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
June 24, 2009
Hi,
Today when I got there to see mom, she was out in the living room listening to a guy who was playing his guitar. He played well and the music was soothing. Mom was dozing. She seems to do that more and more, particualrily after lunch. The staff didn't say what kind of morning she had, but the time I was with her she did not cry much today. After the guitar guy stopped playing, I took mom for a stroll.
Because she was so drowsy I asked if she had recieved adivan today... From what I could get from the med tech, it does not seem like she got one of them today (yet).
The property has a pond with a large spraying fountain. I like the fountain. So I tend to walk mom over there a lot. She is in a wheelchair now so it's a pleasent walk for us.
[ I fought getting the wheelchair for her. I don't like the idea that she will give up trying to walk. But it seems much easier on her and she is more willing to go out in the chair than when she was shuffling every place.]
Mom dozed on our walk. I'm going to start taking a book to read to her. Someone told me that the sound of a familiar voice will be a comfort as she continues to decline, and I am just not able to talk about things with her right now, so reading will be easier. After about a half hour out on the walk, we headed back to the room. Since she was dozing, I figured it would be better to get her to her room. As we went back in the care givers were preparing to take residents out on a bus ride. At first I didn't think mom would want to go, but when we got back to her room, she woke up and I asked if she wanted to go. The care givers were happy to see her willing to go, so I let her go.
The care givers at Woodland Terrace, are mostly great. They know the residents and really work hard at connecting and befriending them. That is great, and great comfort to family members like me. It would be so easy to stick mom in her room and ignore her, and they don't. I like that.
Mom ate well at lunch, from what I could see of what she was wearing from lunch. She had jello... it was all over her fingers and face.
Mom was not talkative today at all... not angry, not tears, but no smiles...
I have a clock radio for her room. It will play an Ipod and has dual alarms on it. I'm going to try to get more music into her life. She likes music. I'll set the alarms up to go off a couple of times in the day for her, and load an iPod with hymns for her. I hope she likes it.
--me
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
June 23rd, 2009
Hi,
I think I'll try to keep track of the things that are happening with mom here. Monday last, she was admitted to the Hospice program. This is because she has entered end-stage dementia. If you know the FAST scale, she has started to show signs of stage 7.
Yesterday, my wife and I took her regular bed out of her room. Hospice had recommended a hospital bed for her. That was nasty, for the rest of the day and night we smelled that bed... what a mess it was.
Today I met the hospice chaplain. He was nice. Mom was pretty out of it. She had a hard morning. Lots of tears and very unconsolabe, so she had recieved an adivan dosage. It helps to reduce the tears, but nocks her out too. Anyway, the chaplain and I talked, and we prayed together for mom.
I try to see mom at lunch time rather than go walking... It's showing on me too.. ;-) Some days she is chatty, others she simply cries. Breaks my heart knowing how smart she used to be, and knowing that she does actually know that she is losing it, even though she fights it some times....
Loss is part of life. I'm tired of loss...
--me
I think I'll try to keep track of the things that are happening with mom here. Monday last, she was admitted to the Hospice program. This is because she has entered end-stage dementia. If you know the FAST scale, she has started to show signs of stage 7.
Yesterday, my wife and I took her regular bed out of her room. Hospice had recommended a hospital bed for her. That was nasty, for the rest of the day and night we smelled that bed... what a mess it was.
Today I met the hospice chaplain. He was nice. Mom was pretty out of it. She had a hard morning. Lots of tears and very unconsolabe, so she had recieved an adivan dosage. It helps to reduce the tears, but nocks her out too. Anyway, the chaplain and I talked, and we prayed together for mom.
I try to see mom at lunch time rather than go walking... It's showing on me too.. ;-) Some days she is chatty, others she simply cries. Breaks my heart knowing how smart she used to be, and knowing that she does actually know that she is losing it, even though she fights it some times....
Loss is part of life. I'm tired of loss...
--me
Saturday, November 8, 2008
How interested is God in the details...
Hi,
I have not been here in a while... Somethings are still hard... Still involved in the courts... Somethings are new and good... Met a wonderful woman, who lives in MI (right now....)... Somethings keep going... I'm still working where I have been.... Somethings are not as good as they were... I'm still at the same church, but not as involved as I have been...
Faith... it keeps me alive... I don't understand why some things are as they are in my life, and I have really wrestled since the end of August 2008... [I am growing to detest my birthday, it has brought very bad things the last two years...] I am not always sure that God considers me one of His children.... and when I mess up and sin, I feel even more like this is the reason that the bad things are so bad... But I am still searching for the place where I feel that I am walking in a way that God wants me to walk...
In that light, I'm here tonight to ask.. How involved do you think God is in the details of our lives?
I am reading this book "reaching for the invisible God" by Yancey. In it he talked about his feeling that God does not care about my decisions as long as they don't go against the things that God plans to do in the world.
I spent time talking to a pastor friend of mine about this, and his feelings is that this is true. He likened it to parenting a child. We let kids make decisions about things, as long as we feel that the decisions won't hurt them. And I can see this.... I did it with my son... at a young age, we would let him pick what he wanted to wear, even when it did not look so good. But... is that what God does?
Here's what I think:
Today I was power washing for a few hours and I began to think about this. I think God does care. God is not trying to teach me to be independent and not need Him. I want to teach my son to make good decisions, and I do that by letting him make some that I wouldn't make, and let him deal with consequences of those decisions. I watch over him. As he gets better at making good choices, I give him the freedom to make bigger decisions. He is now on his own, and I hope he is making good decisions...
There is a difference when it comes to me and God... When kids are born, they are totally submissive, they are totally reliant. As they grow, they get less and less submissive to their parents, and more self reliant. When I surrender my life to God, I am supposed to get less and less self reliant, and more and more submissive... The more submissive I am the more of the little things that I ask God to direct my life in...
Ok that's what I think... all this because I am trying to understand the ruling from the court, and make good choices in the new loving relationship that has started...
What do you think? Does God care about things like who we marry, where we work, what car we drive, what cloths we wear, and more...?
---me
Monday, September 22, 2008
Change...
Hi,
It's been some time since I posted. Change seems to be the only unchanging thing in my life. I met a special someone, and was sentenced to lifetime alimony, all in the span of a week. It's been a little over a year since dad died... Mom is living in a care facility now, as her condition continues to slowly worsen. Relationships change too... some come closer, some have to move further, and still others will have to change form as the new relationships blossom. I have to sell my house, which means moving again...though this change may be slow because of the economy...
I wish I were better about change... I just feels like too much changing these last 4 years...
I know that I am securely in God's care, but even that relationship changes... It seems that God likes change, and that must be why He designed the world this way.
ok... well I better get going, or the next change will be to the unemployment line.... ;-)
-me
It's been some time since I posted. Change seems to be the only unchanging thing in my life. I met a special someone, and was sentenced to lifetime alimony, all in the span of a week. It's been a little over a year since dad died... Mom is living in a care facility now, as her condition continues to slowly worsen. Relationships change too... some come closer, some have to move further, and still others will have to change form as the new relationships blossom. I have to sell my house, which means moving again...though this change may be slow because of the economy...
I wish I were better about change... I just feels like too much changing these last 4 years...
I know that I am securely in God's care, but even that relationship changes... It seems that God likes change, and that must be why He designed the world this way.
ok... well I better get going, or the next change will be to the unemployment line.... ;-)
-me
Saturday, August 30, 2008
A story of me...
Since I've given my life to Christ:
My marriage ended, and I have been through court trial after trial that have gone against me, and made no sense.
My son won't speak to me. And I thought we were close. We never had rebellious teenager/parent arguments.
I've broken my collar bone, and been laid up. Needed surgery.
My Father recognized that my mother was getting sick with some form of dementia. Then the week he and I were going to sit and talk to my mother about getting help for her. He died.
My mother has rapidly gotten worse, and after 5 months of living with me. She has had to move to a care facility where she can get the care she needs but does not want and I can be her loving son again.
There have been some more minor things like the engine in my car exploding to cap off one of the worst days of my life... Being sent for six months on assignment away from friends and my church... being given the financial burden of support for someone, that takes away my freedom to choose my own future..
In all this I've cried. I've wondered if God hated me so much for my past, that he was punishing me for everything I had done that was a sin... and I have searched.
I searched the scripture for comfort and found it. I found it in the stories of Joseph, who unfairly was accused of rape and spent years in prison. I found it in Job, who talked with God honestly about how he was feeling. I found conviction in that story too, because I know I have not lived a righteous life, and felt more like what Job's friends were saying applied to my life. I found a ton of comfort in the laments in the Psalms. Where David pours out his heart to the God that he loved. And found in those out pourings a God that loved him back. I found courage to keep moving forward in faith in the stories of Abraham and Sarah. God has given me dreams, ones that seem as ridiculous as a 90 year old having a baby. And I pray that I follow with enough conviction and courage the steps that need to be taken to have them become reality. As I read the new testament, I found the kind of relationship/church/community that I saw when I came to Lifepointe. I hungered for a first century church. No formulas, no religion, no preconceived ideas of how it is supposed to be done other than this. Love God Love Others 7 days a week... not just on Sunday. Lifeponte has been that kind of church. I looked a the life of Christ. I use to hear you have to be like Christ and leave the service feeling worse that I came. I make mistakes all the time. I make them relationally, when I do things that hurt my friends and abuse their trust, and have to ask forgiveness. I do them when I commit sins, and know that I am sinning when I decide to take the action...and I have to go back to God and ask His forgiveness. I cannot live the perfect sinless life of the Son of God, I am not able... But... Here is the way that I can be like Christ... and I work at this every day... Jesus cried in the garden so hard that he sweat drops of blood... I know that this is possible. I have not ever had the drops of blood, but I have cried so hard at times that I can feel the pressure below the surface of my skin... And I realize how hard Jesus was crying that night... But what he said was "not my will but yours" That's where I can be like Christ every day... Not my will God but Yours. That's what I want for my life...
So... when I look at things... I thought God would hate me because of the divorce... it says so in the bible. But God has loved me through that process. He and only He could have seen it coming, and prepared the lifeGroup that I was part of. When the rug supporting my life was pulled from beneath my feet, I landed in the net of loving arms that God had put in place. And though every court decision has come out what the world would see a the worst possible, I have not ever been abandoned, and I have been honest and true to who God made me to be...
My son is doing well, and I am able to love him, even if we still don't speak. I know that some day we will.
I have healed from the broken bones and surgery, and in those times I learned valuable lessons in allowing others to take care of me. That being a burden for a time gives others the chance to feel the blessing of being able to help.
My Father and I had be come close. He watched me go through the trials, and told me "I could not take what you are taking, I look up to you" My dad. My hero, said he looked up to me. We had many talks about faith. And when his church asked him to be a Deacon, he came to ask my advice. He didn't feel worthy of that responsibility,and we talked. The week before his death God brought us together 1300 miles from where either of us lived. He got to spend time with my sister and her kids, and I all at the same time. He had gotten to spend time with all his brothers and sisters that week too. God was there to welcome him home. I can only hope for a passing like his.
My mother and I got to spend some quality time before her condition became much worse. And now I see her multiple times a week, and I am able to help care for her, and show her love.
When I was on assignment for the six months. I was sitting next to James Billups, who was able to disciple me. We discussed the bible and faith openly in a conference room filled with 10 engineers all working on the same, very difficult, project. By the time I left, there were two different bible studies going on, and the manager of the site had even heard the gospel.
My car is still running... though it could use a paint job at this point...
And though there are challenges still out there, and the financial burdens seem to be restricting how I would like to be serving the kingdom of God... It's not about me. I wait upon the Lord, and He will make the path clear. I often hesitate to say "God made..... fill in the blank... happen." Because many times when I think I know what God is making happen, something else happens... But the one thing I can say with confidence is that God has brought me to this place, that he has brought wonderful people here at Lifepointe who love me, and He has brought other loving people into my life to bring me joy. I would not trade one thing I have been through in the last 4 years. God is shaping me... and He's not done yet.
My marriage ended, and I have been through court trial after trial that have gone against me, and made no sense.
My son won't speak to me. And I thought we were close. We never had rebellious teenager/parent arguments.
I've broken my collar bone, and been laid up. Needed surgery.
My Father recognized that my mother was getting sick with some form of dementia. Then the week he and I were going to sit and talk to my mother about getting help for her. He died.
My mother has rapidly gotten worse, and after 5 months of living with me. She has had to move to a care facility where she can get the care she needs but does not want and I can be her loving son again.
There have been some more minor things like the engine in my car exploding to cap off one of the worst days of my life... Being sent for six months on assignment away from friends and my church... being given the financial burden of support for someone, that takes away my freedom to choose my own future..
In all this I've cried. I've wondered if God hated me so much for my past, that he was punishing me for everything I had done that was a sin... and I have searched.
I searched the scripture for comfort and found it. I found it in the stories of Joseph, who unfairly was accused of rape and spent years in prison. I found it in Job, who talked with God honestly about how he was feeling. I found conviction in that story too, because I know I have not lived a righteous life, and felt more like what Job's friends were saying applied to my life. I found a ton of comfort in the laments in the Psalms. Where David pours out his heart to the God that he loved. And found in those out pourings a God that loved him back. I found courage to keep moving forward in faith in the stories of Abraham and Sarah. God has given me dreams, ones that seem as ridiculous as a 90 year old having a baby. And I pray that I follow with enough conviction and courage the steps that need to be taken to have them become reality. As I read the new testament, I found the kind of relationship/church/community that I saw when I came to Lifepointe. I hungered for a first century church. No formulas, no religion, no preconceived ideas of how it is supposed to be done other than this. Love God Love Others 7 days a week... not just on Sunday. Lifeponte has been that kind of church. I looked a the life of Christ. I use to hear you have to be like Christ and leave the service feeling worse that I came. I make mistakes all the time. I make them relationally, when I do things that hurt my friends and abuse their trust, and have to ask forgiveness. I do them when I commit sins, and know that I am sinning when I decide to take the action...and I have to go back to God and ask His forgiveness. I cannot live the perfect sinless life of the Son of God, I am not able... But... Here is the way that I can be like Christ... and I work at this every day... Jesus cried in the garden so hard that he sweat drops of blood... I know that this is possible. I have not ever had the drops of blood, but I have cried so hard at times that I can feel the pressure below the surface of my skin... And I realize how hard Jesus was crying that night... But what he said was "not my will but yours" That's where I can be like Christ every day... Not my will God but Yours. That's what I want for my life...
So... when I look at things... I thought God would hate me because of the divorce... it says so in the bible. But God has loved me through that process. He and only He could have seen it coming, and prepared the lifeGroup that I was part of. When the rug supporting my life was pulled from beneath my feet, I landed in the net of loving arms that God had put in place. And though every court decision has come out what the world would see a the worst possible, I have not ever been abandoned, and I have been honest and true to who God made me to be...
My son is doing well, and I am able to love him, even if we still don't speak. I know that some day we will.
I have healed from the broken bones and surgery, and in those times I learned valuable lessons in allowing others to take care of me. That being a burden for a time gives others the chance to feel the blessing of being able to help.
My Father and I had be come close. He watched me go through the trials, and told me "I could not take what you are taking, I look up to you" My dad. My hero, said he looked up to me. We had many talks about faith. And when his church asked him to be a Deacon, he came to ask my advice. He didn't feel worthy of that responsibility,and we talked. The week before his death God brought us together 1300 miles from where either of us lived. He got to spend time with my sister and her kids, and I all at the same time. He had gotten to spend time with all his brothers and sisters that week too. God was there to welcome him home. I can only hope for a passing like his.
My mother and I got to spend some quality time before her condition became much worse. And now I see her multiple times a week, and I am able to help care for her, and show her love.
When I was on assignment for the six months. I was sitting next to James Billups, who was able to disciple me. We discussed the bible and faith openly in a conference room filled with 10 engineers all working on the same, very difficult, project. By the time I left, there were two different bible studies going on, and the manager of the site had even heard the gospel.
My car is still running... though it could use a paint job at this point...
And though there are challenges still out there, and the financial burdens seem to be restricting how I would like to be serving the kingdom of God... It's not about me. I wait upon the Lord, and He will make the path clear. I often hesitate to say "God made..... fill in the blank... happen." Because many times when I think I know what God is making happen, something else happens... But the one thing I can say with confidence is that God has brought me to this place, that he has brought wonderful people here at Lifepointe who love me, and He has brought other loving people into my life to bring me joy. I would not trade one thing I have been through in the last 4 years. God is shaping me... and He's not done yet.
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